I went to a naming ceremony this weekend. In the tradition of christenings but without the religious underpinnings, this was a gathering of family and friends, coming together to celebrate a baby girl and her life, brimming with potential. An African proverb was shared which summed it up perfectly - "it takes a whole village to raise a child". There was an atmosphere of community and shared purpose and the sentiment that was reiterated in the speeches and promises was one of unconditional love and support. All eyes were on one life, with everyone wishing her the very best. There was a sense of there being no limits - as she laughed and clapped her way through her own ceremony, everyone felt that anything was possible for this new human being.
Certain celebrities seem to live adult lives like this. Think of a football player when he scores a goal, an A-list actress on the red carpet of her film premiere, think of Big Brother when a contestant walks out of the house. They are met with a cheering, devoted crowd - their fan club, their supporters, people who seem to know all about them and truly see them. No wonder so many of us dreamed (and dream) of being famous; we yearn for that feeling we had as a newborn baby - of being truly seen, fully accepted, totally adored.
I think this is why coactive coaching is such a beautiful - and effective - process. Coaching is fundamentally the experience of two pairs of eyes looking lovingly at one person's life. The key factors of unconditional positive regard and belief in infinite possibilities for this person form the foundation of the relationship. I just started with a new client and at the end of our first session, she was feeling bowled away. She just couldn't believe that she got to spend all this time looking at herself - her dreams, her fears, all that is tough and all that is joyous - AND that someone else was there with her, doing the same, creating an environment of faith, support and encouragement.
There's an exquisite song by Sarah McLachlan - "Adia" - and the lines of the chorus are: "We are born innocent, believe me...we are still innocent; it's easy, we all falter, does it matter?" We can all give a tremendous gift to others by seeing them as innocent, as worthy of our love, and as incredible pure potential.
Inquiry: What is possible for me with unconditional support?
Action: Choose one person in your life. Commit to SEE them this week. Tell your judgements to take a hike and look at them through unconditionally loving eyes. How huge, how great can you hold them to be? This week, tell them three things you love about them that you've never told them before. Notice the impact this has on them - and on you.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Monday, September 18, 2006
#18 - Body Wisdom
I'm feeling quite run down. It's been a busy month: lots of new work, exciting meetings, seeing friends, and frequent trips to London. I've been eating on the go, catching trains, juggling my diary and keeping up to date with email and now my body is saying: BE CALM. It's craving simple home-cooked food, sitting in nature, and early nights.
I love that our bodies work like this. They are our greatest teachers because they show us everything. When we have a headache, there's a cause. When we're feeling sick, there's a cause. We can fight these signs and take painkillers, making our body our enemy, or we can become aware and curious - what's behind this? What's the lesson here?
It can be such an exciting journey to become empowered in this way. To notice what impact different foods, behaviours and environments have on our body; to listen to our body's guidance. Our bodies are so wise, continually asking us to step into healthier ways of being. So, me feeling run down? A gift indeed :0)
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Inquiry: What is my body asking me?
Action: Commit to getting to know your body ten times better than you know it now. Be still for ten minutes and scan it. Where are the aches and pains? The tension? The comfortable places? Ask your body what it wants. And then follow its advice this week, noticing the impact this has.
I love that our bodies work like this. They are our greatest teachers because they show us everything. When we have a headache, there's a cause. When we're feeling sick, there's a cause. We can fight these signs and take painkillers, making our body our enemy, or we can become aware and curious - what's behind this? What's the lesson here?
It can be such an exciting journey to become empowered in this way. To notice what impact different foods, behaviours and environments have on our body; to listen to our body's guidance. Our bodies are so wise, continually asking us to step into healthier ways of being. So, me feeling run down? A gift indeed :0)
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Inquiry: What is my body asking me?
Action: Commit to getting to know your body ten times better than you know it now. Be still for ten minutes and scan it. Where are the aches and pains? The tension? The comfortable places? Ask your body what it wants. And then follow its advice this week, noticing the impact this has.
Monday, September 11, 2006
#17 - Dream BIG!
I've been assisting with a module of my coach training course this weekend. It's called 'Fulfilment' and is all about living the life of our dreams. It was a magical experience to train in this material myself and so to support another group of coaches as they went through the process was an honour. As human beings, we're so used to playing small and limiting ourselves; being given permission to dream of our lives as good as they can get and then support others as they do the same is a sacred, precious experience.
It can be really hard to let ourselves dream. It's like taking ourselves into a kitchen and seeing our favourite meal being cooked. We can smell it, we can go over and touch it, we may even be given a taste - but there's a voice there saying "You're never going to be able to eat it". In coaching, we name this voice which expresses our limiting beliefs as the 'saboteur' because it sabotages our impulse towards what we want. When this saboteur sits on us and gives us that heavy feeling, we can wish we'd never even known there was a kitchen, let alone a perfect meal.
Yet there is a magic that happens when we allow ourselves to dream big and when we allow ourselves to do that in spite of the saboteur. By naming our values and voicing our vision we are giving life to our dreams and calling them forth. It's like we are standing in that kitchen with our own personal chef, listing the ingredients, describing the combination of flavours, because we know that the only way we'll get that perfect meal is by asking for what we truly want.
There is a saying from Goethe which, slightly amended, reads: "Dream no small dreams for they do not have the power to move people". What are your BIGGEST dreams? How do they move you? What would make your life the most perfect it could be? What's as good as it can get? And what's 1,000 times more brilliant than that?
Inquiry: What dreams are more important than my fears?
Action: List 100 things you want to be, do and have. (This can be harder than you think!) Take a few and imagine all the details. That beach holiday - what would you be wearing? What sounds would you hear? What would the sand feel like beneath you? The car you want - what would the seats smell like? Who would you BE behind the steering wheel? Pad out the vision, paint it in technicolour in your mind. Notice the limiting beliefs which pop up - "I can't afford that", "it's selfish" - recognise them as your saboteur, and continue dreaming....
It can be really hard to let ourselves dream. It's like taking ourselves into a kitchen and seeing our favourite meal being cooked. We can smell it, we can go over and touch it, we may even be given a taste - but there's a voice there saying "You're never going to be able to eat it". In coaching, we name this voice which expresses our limiting beliefs as the 'saboteur' because it sabotages our impulse towards what we want. When this saboteur sits on us and gives us that heavy feeling, we can wish we'd never even known there was a kitchen, let alone a perfect meal.
Yet there is a magic that happens when we allow ourselves to dream big and when we allow ourselves to do that in spite of the saboteur. By naming our values and voicing our vision we are giving life to our dreams and calling them forth. It's like we are standing in that kitchen with our own personal chef, listing the ingredients, describing the combination of flavours, because we know that the only way we'll get that perfect meal is by asking for what we truly want.
There is a saying from Goethe which, slightly amended, reads: "Dream no small dreams for they do not have the power to move people". What are your BIGGEST dreams? How do they move you? What would make your life the most perfect it could be? What's as good as it can get? And what's 1,000 times more brilliant than that?
Inquiry: What dreams are more important than my fears?
Action: List 100 things you want to be, do and have. (This can be harder than you think!) Take a few and imagine all the details. That beach holiday - what would you be wearing? What sounds would you hear? What would the sand feel like beneath you? The car you want - what would the seats smell like? Who would you BE behind the steering wheel? Pad out the vision, paint it in technicolour in your mind. Notice the limiting beliefs which pop up - "I can't afford that", "it's selfish" - recognise them as your saboteur, and continue dreaming....
Monday, September 04, 2006
#16 - Letting Go
I've been asked to write this week's Ezine on the topic of 'letting go'. Many of us seem to be moving on to a new phase, be it a new school, college, university, job, house or relationship. Things are changing and the coming of the new means the letting go of the old.
There seems to be a process operating in the world: putting energy in, perfecting,....and then letting go and moving on, taking something of value from that experience. We see it in so many places: the property developer who buys, renovates and sells on; the creation of a theatre production which has a three night run; studying two years for a two hour exam and a grade. Like the Tibetan monk who spends months creating an exquisite sand mandala only to destroy it, we too are constantly creating, growing and then moving on because another space draws us to it.
For me, the most recent moving on has been in my wardrobe. I had a rail full of perfectly decent clothes which no longer reflected who I was. I held on because I'd paid for them, because I hoped one day I'd like them again, because I doubted I would find any other clothes that would suit me. But a visit from my sister, who loves this kind of decluttering, left me with around twenty items of clothing to my name - and a much clearer, fresher, more present feeling.
Letting go of material objects can be tough. They carry memories and bonds with people & places. Money has been spent on them and by letting go we are sometimes admitting we made a purchasing mistake. Tough also are other forms of letting go. The fear of change is familiar to most; we believe 'better the devil we know' and so cling on to relationships, jobs or houses when we know it's time to move on. We find it hard letting go of 'being right' and so sacrifice peace in our relationships by holding on to our justifications and bitterness.
We can take a different perspective on letting go. Instead of seeing it as a loss, we can see it as an act of creation - we are creating the space for what we TRULY want. And with the decks clear, when we attract that to us, we can dive right in.
Inquiry: When do I find it hard to let go?
Action: Notice which area the Inquiry brings up strongest for you and commit to letting go of one thing here. Delete one name from the past from your address book, give one unwanted top to charity, or give up 'being right' in one argument. Notice what happens in the space you've created.
There seems to be a process operating in the world: putting energy in, perfecting,....and then letting go and moving on, taking something of value from that experience. We see it in so many places: the property developer who buys, renovates and sells on; the creation of a theatre production which has a three night run; studying two years for a two hour exam and a grade. Like the Tibetan monk who spends months creating an exquisite sand mandala only to destroy it, we too are constantly creating, growing and then moving on because another space draws us to it.
For me, the most recent moving on has been in my wardrobe. I had a rail full of perfectly decent clothes which no longer reflected who I was. I held on because I'd paid for them, because I hoped one day I'd like them again, because I doubted I would find any other clothes that would suit me. But a visit from my sister, who loves this kind of decluttering, left me with around twenty items of clothing to my name - and a much clearer, fresher, more present feeling.
Letting go of material objects can be tough. They carry memories and bonds with people & places. Money has been spent on them and by letting go we are sometimes admitting we made a purchasing mistake. Tough also are other forms of letting go. The fear of change is familiar to most; we believe 'better the devil we know' and so cling on to relationships, jobs or houses when we know it's time to move on. We find it hard letting go of 'being right' and so sacrifice peace in our relationships by holding on to our justifications and bitterness.
We can take a different perspective on letting go. Instead of seeing it as a loss, we can see it as an act of creation - we are creating the space for what we TRULY want. And with the decks clear, when we attract that to us, we can dive right in.
Inquiry: When do I find it hard to let go?
Action: Notice which area the Inquiry brings up strongest for you and commit to letting go of one thing here. Delete one name from the past from your address book, give one unwanted top to charity, or give up 'being right' in one argument. Notice what happens in the space you've created.
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