#36 - Quality Questions

This week, I've been ill - gunky, sore throat, run down. When this happens, I know it's a sign that I need to slow down and make life more simple.

However, work has got deliciously busy recently and I found myself ignoring my body and continuing to rush around like a headless chicken. I took on one task too many and ended up having to cancel an appointment that I'd been really looking forward to. I lay there, defeated, amongst tissues and echinacea, asking myself: "How could I be so stupid?" The more I asked myself this, the more annoyed with myself I became - which led to more of the "When will I learn??" type questions and yet more frustration.

My guess is that we do this a lot. We ask ourselves questions with no answers. The result? - we're left disempowered. We keep ourselves repeating the same patterns, remaining in the same situations, going round and round in circles.

Once I'd realised this was what I was doing, I started playing with new questions - empowering ones. My intention was to find quality questions that would open doors, instead of trapping me in 'same old, same old'.
"What was important to me when I made those decisions?"
"What does my body need right now?"
"What's the gift in this cold?"
"Where could I make my life easier?"

The coolest one I stumbled upon was: "What new way of being is this asking me to step into?" Now I could get curious. I could really look, I could get insight. I could see that my exhaustion was asking me to really notice where I was putting my energy and be more discerning about what I said "yes" to. It was asking me to focus on quality, not quantity - to do one thing at a time and do it well, rather than spread myself too thinly. Now I was finding answers which could lead to different kinds of actions - a way out of this unproductive pattern.

What are the disempowering questions you ask yourself? "Why have I done this again?" "Why is this happening to me?" Notice that when the question allows no answers, there are no choices, no places to move or grow. Now think about times you've been asked - or asked yourself - powerful questions, and what became possible as a result.

Inquiry: What are powerful questions for me?

Action: This week, notice what questions you ask yourself. Notice the impact of them and make a game of finding questions that feel more empowering. Make a list of questions that can be relied upon to bring you insight and more sense of the possibilities and choices available to you. Commit to asking yourself one of these when you feel stuck or frustrated.

#35 - A Business Called You

My partner and I have just got back from a five night break in Bristol & Somerset. One thing which stood out for me about the trip was how many unique, independent businesses we encountered, all of which contributed something special to our experience.

One such example was Cafe Kino in Bristol. This is a not-for-profit co-operative cafe with an all veggie menu and a community feel. They're hugely conscious of the environment - I almost fell over when I saw their takeaway sandwich containers were made from biodegradable plastic. They have quirky events like a weekly knitting group and staff contribute their unique skills - like Michael, who serves behind the counter and designed their very cool website ( www.cafe-kino.com).

Many of us frequent shops, cafes & other enterprises which are run by a small group of people - maybe even just one person. Bring to mind some of these before you read on. When created from an authentic desire to serve, these businesses feel human; you can feel the personalities behind them. You really get the sense that someone has said "I have something to offer the world" and has started their business to enable them to do that.

In the careers education I received, it seemed you either went into prviate sector business to make money or you did something good for the world by going into public sector work or charity. More and more there's emerging a different way of making a difference. We can realise what is unique about us and act upon our human desire to contribute by turning that uniqueness into a service or product that makes a positive contribution to our communities.

This is why I coach teenagers. When a young person gets in touch with what they are really passionate about, it's like a light goes on. They can spend their whole lifetime finding fulfilling ways of offering that uniqueness to the world.Everyone benefits as a result.

Inquiry: What is absolutely unique about me that this world is craving?

Action: Imagine the only way of making a living is to start your own business. Write/draw/discuss with someone what it is you would love to contribute and who you want to offer that to. What impact do you want to have on the world? What need are you yearning to meet? (By the way, do this even if you already have your own business - it can shake up stale patterns and get you back to the essence of what you're about.) Notice what it's like to recognise the uniqueness of you and how much the world would benefit from you offering that.

And hey, if the idea grabs you, consider actually starting your own business. I can highly recommend it.

NB I now run workshops for schools & colleges entitled 'A Business Called You', helping students in Yrs 9-13 explore what their own business could look like. If you're interested, please ask for more details.

#34 - Messing Up

How are you at 'messing up'? Getting things 'wrong'? Making 'mistakes'? What happens to your body when you judge yourself as having done this?

Last week, I had to make a decision about whether to go ahead with some dental work. I obsessed and obsessed about making the right decision, as if it were out there somewhere waiting to be found. I was paralysed with fear at the prospect of making the wrong decision.

I took this topic to a session with my coach, asking to explore this familar fear of 'getting things wrong'. I could see that I was holding an incredibly limited and narrow perspective on decision making, and - in fact - on being human in general. How much fun could there be if I was always bothered about whether I was doing something right or not?

My coach challenged me to spend a week intentionally messing up. I took this on and added an extra piece: I decided to notice myself 'messing up', whether by intention or not, and to say: "I got something wrong! Hoorah! I'm human!" I quickly realised what an empowering, uplifting, energising reframe that is. It cuts right through the judgement and puts a stop to me beating myself up about appearing less than perfect.

I've also been applying the reframe to others. If I catch myself judging someone for 'messing up', I inwardly remind myself: "Hoorah! They're messing up! They're human!" Not only does it take that judgement away, but it connects me with others, reminding me that we're all equal. We're no longer a bunch of people getting things 'right' or 'wrong' and thereby being 'better' or 'worse' than others. There's also a gratitude piece in there - THANK YOU for being human, as hard as it can be, and sharing this weird amazing human journey together.

Imagine creating schools where we don't assess people as doing things 'right' and 'wrong', 'good' and 'bad', where we don't create hierarchies and winners and losers. I'm reminded of a Taoist story that I want to end this Ezine with:

A farmer living in a poor country village is considered well-off by his neighbours as he owns a horse which he uses for ploughing and transportation. One day, his horse runs away. All his neighbours exclaim how terrible this is, but the farmer replies: "How do we know what is bad?"

A few days later, the horse returns, bringing with it two wild horses. The neighbours all rejoice at his good fortune, but the farmer replies: "How do we know what is good?"

The next day, the farmer's son tries to ride the wild horses. He is thrown and breaks a leg. The neighbours all offer their sympathy for his misfortune, but the farmer replies: "How do we know what is bad?"

The following week, conscription officers come to the village to take the young men into the army. They reject the farmer's son because of his broken leg. When the neighbours tell him how lucky he is... - well, you can guess what he says!

Inquiry: What does it mean to me to 'get things wrong'?

Action: Whenever you catch yourself judging yourself for 'messing up', stop and shout out loud: "Hoorah!! I messed up!! I'm human!!" Notice the impact of holding that attitude. Extend this attitude out to others - your loved ones and complete strangers - and again, notice what might shift for you.