#51 - Creases

I spent a few hours last week lying in our garden, reading a great book, basking in the sunshine. It was simply too gorgeous to be inside and I decided everything else could wait. As I lay there, I overheard my neighbour from inside her house on the phone to her husband: "Yep, I've just finished ironing all your shirts... Yep, your t-shirts too."

My curiosity was sparked. Here were probably our last few hours of warmth, of glorious weather, before we turn the corner in to winter; an opportunity to relax, listen to the birds, be carefree... and someone was choosing to spend them ironing. Continuing my thought process from last week, I wondered about why we do the things we do - how each of us decides what to do in any given moment.

Often, we will choose an activity like ironing because it honours our values. We consider professionalism, quality or feeling smart to be important to us. AND often we do things out of habit, or by default. We don't even realise that by saying "yes" to one activity, we're saying "no" to another which we'd find infinitely more fulfilling. The question is not so much 'should I do this activity?' but rather 'is this activity more important, will it bring more joy, than the other options available to me right now?' It's down to each of us to know where that line is between values-honouring and conforming to 'shoulds' or distracting ourselves from life.

It's interesting how much time we spend ironing out the creases, rather than living fully. We can go to great effort to make life spotless and perfect, rather than just throwing ourselves in, creases and all. My personal crease-addiction is words. I'll double, triple, quadruple check emails before they go off. Sometimes, it's because I love phrasing things 'just so' and get immense satisfaction from it. Sometimes, I'm avoiding making an error, fearful of looking stupid, eager to impress. The former is fun and worthwhile, the latter is a waste. What do I miss out on when I'm spending those extra minutes behind the computer?

Maybe we could allow ourselves and others more room for creases. Perhaps we could increase our tolerance of the things which really don't matter, and decrease our tolerance for those which do. Maybe we could ignore crumpled shirts and a 'your' instead of a 'you're' and instead get feisty about the times when we waste our time, our potential, our lives. Here's an apt thought on this topic by Raphie Frank, a storyteller: "You look at the scratch and completely miss the diamond."

Do Things Differently
Ask yourself: Where are you ironing away the creases, rather than living life? How do YOU decide what to do, and what not to waste your time on? This week, choose one crease-ironing activity and pledge to yourself to do it less in order to free up some of your life. Let the scratches go and focus on the diamond.

I'd love to hear which activity you choose, and what happens as a result. Post a comment....

** ONLY 2 DAYS LEFT of early-bird price on the Fail Is Not A Four Letter Word workshop (£45 rather than £55). Do your imperfections make you want to reach for the iron?? Do you hold back from doing things because you fear failure? Are you ready to stop clinging to crease-reduction and live fully instead?! Book now to join us on this workshop and claim more of your life! **

#50 - Why Do We?

I've recently been reading a lot of advice about 'how to market your business'. One common message is: Focus on results. I thought this sounded sensible until I started really thinking about what motivates me. I'm a member of a private gym and go there most days; I swim, do Body Combat, and Body Balance. I do these because I love how I feel in the classes and in the pool. If the gym had marketed to me the messages: 'lose weight!' 'get toned!' 'get fit!', I would have ignored them. In fact, I did. However, when they allowed people to come along for free as part of their open weekend, I had a fantastic experience. I had endorphins zipping all over the place, felt strong, funky, relaxed, energised - and signed up. The fitness and weight loss have been bonuses but would never have got me parting with my money.

Likewise, today is World Car-Free Day, a time to showcase how our cities might look, feel and sound without cars. It's a hugely inspirational result to aim for - yet the result is not what motivates me to choose to travel by bike rather than car. I do so because I prefer the experience; I love how it feels to be out in the world, feeling the air on my skin, the sun on my face, to wave to people as I pass them by, to see my city up close and personal with all its precious nooks and crannies.

We're all different and it can be interesting to notice what we're motivated by - the results, the process... or both. I give away a lot of useful information for free; for example, there are now fifty posts on this blog. Often I get emails from readers who say that the insights and processes I've shared have led them to real results: changes in their life, big realisations. Sometimes there's a little fearful voice inside me which whispers: "But if you share all this for free, nobody will ever invest their money in your services." Yet the reality is that clients keep signing up for one-to-one coaching because of the process of coaching, as well as the results. That space of 40 minutes dedicated entirely to them every week or so. The feeling of being truly listened to. The experience of being seen and understood... and challenged! - given that "kick up the backside", as many call it :-) They keep attending workshops because of the feeling of a shared journey, the experience of interacting with other like-minded people, the space dedicated to exploration and discovery.

What I've realised is that once you're offering a service which brings both a fulfilling process AND fulfilling results, you know you are on to a winner.

Do It Differently
Notice what you're motivated by. The feeling of the process? The results? Both? If there's something you've been struggling with e.g. getting new clients, use your motivation as a guide. If you've been doing activities you hate, just to get the results, try focusing on the process instead. Do marketing activities you love and notice what that does to the results. Likewise, if you've been basking in activities you love, without any sense of direction, get clear about the results you're aiming for and channel your efforts that way (as I wrote about in Step 4 of the previous post). Additionally, in marketing your ventures, you might want to consider whether your clients/customers are more result or process oriented and then market in a way which truly speaks to them.

The World Needs Your Passion - The Monthly Ezine
I love sharing tools so much that I'm launching a new monthly ezine The World Needs Your Passion. This provides intelligent women with the motivation & practical strategies needed to create ventures which truly matter. The first issue is out this Friday and like this blog, is free and packed with value. To subscribe, click here.

#49 - X Factor

In the early stages of developing your inspirational ventures, there are so many "How do I.....?" questions. I often get asked by fellow coaches: "How do you get your clients?" so I wrote a short report to answer them easily. One reader wrote me a huge long email, full of questions. She was curious because it sounded so easy and wanted to know the science behind the magic - how was I really doing it? What was my process, what qualities was I employing, what was making the difference between a one-off encounter and a solid, long-lasting business relationship? Bottom-line was, she wanted to know what my 'x factor' was.

I realised how unconscious we often are of our own magic. It's so 'us' that we're unable to see what we're up to. One reason I often hear for women not starting their own businesses is: "But I do this so naturally, surely it can't be so easy to turn that into a business!?" We seem to have swallowed the belief somewhere along the line that says: 'Everything has to be hard and a struggle', and so we avoid what's right there, under our noses.

Here's a 5-step process for becoming conscious of your own X Factor, so that you can amplify it , harness it, and share it with others.

Step 1: Do What You Do Naturally
For a day (or a few hours at least), stop doing any 'should' activities. Just do what you love, what comes naturally. Reconnect with what's instinctively there.

Step 2: Start Peeking On What Comes Naturally
Casually notice what you're up to. "Ah, I phoned ten people in the last hour" or "I brought a sample of my favourite food to work and then everyone wanted the recipe". Don't go changing anything, simply notice.

Step 3: Become Conscious Of What You're Doing Naturally
Move from casual observation to conscientious awareness. Make a note of your most obvious qualities & activities (Some of mine, for example, are: Talking with strangers, Writing tons, Being out and about in Cambridge often, Doing things differently, Following my heart).

Step 4: Do These Things With Direction
Employ your natural strengths in a direction of your choosing. Focus on what you want to achieve and use your natural strengths to get you there - e.g. I use my writing to share coaching processes with others. Be deliberate, conscious and consistent.

Step 5: Share Your Learnings With Others
Every one of us does things differently. However, if you can share your process with others, it gives them an access map to find and develop their own natural ways, e.g. Show someone who's struggling with disorganisation how you make lists and then prioritise; it may give them a key to unlocking their own most effective ways of working.

When you hear yourself asking: "How do I....?", interpret it as "How do I already.....?" (rather than: "How should I....?") Keep learning from others, but put the essential ingredients in place first. Each piece of new information you receive, you can then decide how it relates to the foundation of you doing the things, in the ways, that you naturally do.

Do Things Differently
Follow the five steps above, with the intention of discovering how you do what you naturally do. Become intimately acquainted with your very own X Factor. Notice what it's like to play from your natural strengths, rather than from a rule book. And if you're feeling brave, ask five people in your life: what do THEY see as being your X Factor?

And if you're feeling REALLY brave, leave a comment on this blog, letting us all know :)

(c) Corrina Gordon-Barnes, 2008
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New! - Monthly E-Zine, The World Needs Your Passion. Issue #1 due out Friday 26th September. Click here to receive issues straight to your in-box.

#48 - Failing Is...

I failed a sign language exam when I was a teenager. I told someone I fancied them and they said they didn't feel the same. I applied to be Head Girl at my school and didn't get it. I wrote a novel in my early twenties and had the manuscript rejected by a dozen publishers. I managed to get a meeting with a big public school in Cambridge and didn't get any coaching work out of it. I'm passionate about natural vision improvement yet still wear glasses some of the time.

These are the facts. I failed at these things. But what does that mean? There's the definition of failing - not meeting a particular result or expectations - and then there's the interpretation we give it. This is one of the most significant learnings from my coach training: our experience of a situation depends on the perspective we take, and the great news is that we get to choose our perspective. It's like we go to the theatre and all the seats are empty so we can move around until we find the seat which offers us the best, most enjoyable view.

Many of us have a view which completes the sentence like this: "Failing is... evidence I'm no good" or "Failing is... the end of the road". If we take this view, we play small, stop trying, don't take risks in case we fail. And then of course we fail anyway and beat ourselves up, vowing to avoid that route next time. Life becomes limited, there are less opportunities available to us. We've become so used to sitting in this particular seat that we believe it's The Seat, the one and only, just the way it is, when really it's just one point of view - and one that isn't particularly helpful.

In my workshop, Fail Is Not A Four Letter Word, the central activity involves generating other perspectives on failing and 'trying them on'. We come up with "Failing is... a sign I'm human", "Failing is... feedback". We're moving around that metaphorical theatre, searching for a perspective which feels true for us and is empowering enough to fuel us in to action. The key word here is: choose. We get to determine what failing means to us so that it exists as a regular part of the human experience, rather than a block to us pursuing the life we want.

Do Things Differently
Make a list of eight times you've failed. Choose the one with the greatest sting and note your current perspective on failing ("Failing is...") Now, 'try on' some other perspectives, such as the ones mentioned above. Include the two in the photo which were generated by participants at my workshop. How empowering is each? What feels different and what would you do differently if you saw failing in this way? Now, consciously choose that perspective this week. Notice how you approach a potential fail situation differently and what happens a result.

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The 'Fail Is Not A Four Letter Word' workshop is running again on Sat 18th October in Cambridge (UK). For more details and to book your place, click here.

#47 - So Uncool

When I was thirteen years old, I decided to volunteer in my local Oxfam charity shop. Back in the 1990s, this was not a cool move. Charity shops weren't yet popular enough to be trendy and shopping in one was something you only did if you had no money or style - at least in the eyes of my circle of school friends.

My conscience insisted I did something good for the world, though, and so I started working in the shop on a Saturday. All my friends would be in town but thankfully when I stood at the till, I couldn't be seen from the street. However, if ever a customer wanted something from the window, I would have to crawl onto the platform and retrieve it, making myself entirely visible to all passers-by on the High Street. I have a distinct memory of clammy hands and prayers that nobody I knew would be walking past. When you're already a geeky teenager trying hard to play it cool, that kind of exposure doesn't help.

I shop in charity shops all the time now and yet when a friend told me she'd got her wedding dress from Oxfam, it felt like a step too far. Although intellectually I thought it was a fantastic idea, my 'inner teen' responded with horror and anxiety. It's interesting to notice how we're affected by our earlier experiences, especially when they happen in our formative years.

Thankfully, I bypassed the prejudices and did buy my most perfect wedding dress from Oxfam. We went to the store in Poole, Dorset where they have a separate floor dedicated to bridal wear. The experience was hugely enjoyable and I felt every bit as special as a bride could feel. The assistants had previous experience in conventional bridal shops and so could advise on styles that most suited me and on any necessary alterations. I was also surprised to discover that the dresses are generally not pre-worn, but rather donated by designers who have showcased the gowns in fashion shows or magazine shoots. My dress cost £200, which I was told would buy a school room in a developing country. Good for me, good for others - certainly worth doing things differently.

Do Things Differently

What action are you desperate to take, but which feels that little bit 'uncool'? Cartwheels in the street, telling someone your religion, 'fessing up to an unusual hobby on your website? What version of you are you longing to be, but it's a little away from what's considered 'normal'? Perhaps you have an idea for a venture but it feels a bit geeky and you don't want to come across as an idiot as you pitch it to the bank manager or speak about it in public? Notice what you miss out on by caring too much about what's cool and what's not.

(c) Corrina Gordon-Barnes, 2008

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